The Bible is perhaps the most misunderstood book ever written. Perhaps. But don’t worry, I’ve slogged my way through it (took five years) and have decided to give you the Tim’s Notes version.* It will be clear, concise, and devoid of moral judgment; in other words, the exact opposite of the Bible.
*”Tim’s Notes” is a patent-pending title.
We’ll start by ranking books of the Old Testament, from 46* to 1, in terms of readability, inspiration, influence, and, most importantly, awesomeness.
*Apocrypha? What’s that?
46. 1 Chronicles
This is the easiest choice on the board: The first 11+ chapters are devoted to genealogy and basically recapping, in the least interesting way possible, what has already happened in the Old Testament. When people attempt to read the Bible, this is where they stop.
45. 2 Chronicles
Because it’s related to #46.
44. Leviticus
Because it’s so hypocritical to quote from: “I’m against gay marriage because of Leviticus!” the evangelical yells at the barbeque, while chomping on a pulled pork sandwich.
43. 2 Kings
This is like having to learn the Roman emperors who didn’t matter.
42. Habakkuk
41. Zechariah
40. Haggai
39. Nahum
38. Zephaniah
37. Judith
36. Ezra
35. Nehemiah
34. 1 Maccabees
33. 1 Samuel
You know who was a boring king: Saul.
32. 1 Kings
31. Esther
30. Tobit
29. Numbers
28. Ruth
27. Obadiah
It’s not that interesting, but it knows when to stop; it’s only one chapter.
26. 2 Maccabees
25. Amos
24. Daniel
This is the story Shirley Jackson would have written if she were inspired by God.
23. Judges
No, Samson, no! She’s a witch!
22. Malachi
Because it’s the end.
21. Joel
20. 2 Samuel
You know who was an awesome king: David.
19. Lamentations
18. Micah
Because it’s a prophecy that takes a few chapters off from damning and condemning and “You’re all going to burn in hell!” rhetoric.
17. Hosea
16. Baruch
15. Joshua
Joshua at a club: “What’s that, ladies? You wish this night could last forever? That can be arranged.”
14. Wisdom
13. Ezekiel
12. Jeremiah
11. Sirach
10. Jonah
Or as I call it, The Abridged Moby Dick.
9. Deuteronomy
8. Song of Songs
7. Isaiah
Everyone loves a good prophecy, and Isaiah’s is the best (if the longest). Want to understand Jesus at Gethsemane? Read the Suffering Servant.
6. Exodus
How many other books here could be turned into a compelling four-hour movie that stars Charlton Heston? Thought so.
5. Psalms
4. Job
I mean, you gotta feel for the guy. At some point, you’re waiting for his friends to say, “Hey Job, you know that God you’ve been all faithful to? Maybe you should give that up for awhile. Take a few plays off.” Instead, they said nothing for a week because his suffering was too traumatizing before going all, “Yo Job! WTF, man? What did you do to make God so mad?” And that’s the real tragedy.
3. Genesis
We’re faithful to our source material here at NPI.
2. Proverbs
As The Simpsons say, “Brevity is…wit.”
1. Ecclesiastes
Written by a man who calls himself “Qoheleth” (meaning roughly, “to assemble”), this is about so much more than a Byrds’ song (3:1-15, btw). It’s basically a refutation of the rest of the Old Testament, insisting on a transcendent God and a fatalist approach to the afterlife. It stresses that God’s only gift to mankind is life; there are no other promises. Anything we read into it is strictly vanity. Ecclesiastes, furthermore, is more philosophical treatise than religious revelation, and it represents the Old Testament’s only attempt at some sort of internal dialogue. Qoheleth doesn’t propagandize; instead, he challenges. And no other part of the Old Testament does.
Stay tuned for rankings of the New (or as I like to call it, “Better”) Testament rankings.
Posted by Chris Russo on August 15, 2009 at 10:12 PM
Tim, this blog is awesome. I saw it on Facebook the other day. Finally a blog by people who can write.
Posted by Wey on August 16, 2009 at 12:40 AM
I await your justification for Habakkuk’s low ranking…
Posted by Wey on August 16, 2009 at 12:41 AM
also, I’m pretty sure that about half of these “books” are entirely fictional
Posted by Tim on August 17, 2009 at 7:48 PM
After multiple criticisms, much soul-searching, and a careful re-reading of Habakkuk (which took 3-5 minutes), I do agree that I have misjudged it. I would slide Habakkuk in between Jeremiah and Ezekiel at 13. The rhetoric is well-done, even if I enjoy Job’s show-more-than-tell philosophy toward suffering. Also, it could have used more Nebuchadnezzar, but that’s true of every book in the Old Testament.
Posted by Ranking the New Testament! « No Pun Intended on August 27, 2009 at 11:36 AM
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