The idea that someone can tell you something about yourself or somehow predict your future just by looking at the movements of the stars is ridiculous. But the idea that I could do that is an interesting one, and it’s an idea I happened to have several weeks ago after I saw a full moon and then correctly predicted the attacks of September 11th. If that’s not enough to convince you, find your horoscope below (listed in the traditional order) and see for yourself if it comes true…
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19):
You are a person who thinks of others. Not always, just sometimes. Nobody can think about other people all the time, so in a way we’re not so different, you and I. In your job, if you have one, there will be some type of transaction in the near future.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20):
You often stand out among others as a person whose sign is Taurus. You eat food on a fairly regular basis, but often in different locations, as you tend to move about during the day. Beware of holidays—you never know what could happen. Yes, that’s true all the time, I’m just saying don’t forget about holidays.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21):
People who know you tend to like you when you’re very friendly. You fancy yourself a pseudo-intellectual, although you’re not quite sure what that means. When it comes to travel, you’re not a fanatic or anything. Someone will approach you soon with a new business venture—just try to ignore them.
Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 22):
People are always asking you questions, when they want to know something from you. Professionally, you’ve always been the type to seek out work that allows you to receive compensation. You probably haven’t tried the breakfast items at Subway, but I bet you wouldn’t hate all of them.
Ramses (Feb 30-31):
You are a generally ignorant person, or at the very least you’ve been severely misinformed about astrology.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22):
You’re a contemplative person, often thinking about old commercials and what happened to the people in them. You try not to extrapolate small clusters of data, but sometimes you just can’t help it. On the weekend, something unusual will happen, but you might be asleep during it.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22):
Those around you often describe you as “with” them. You go to great lengths to avoid pointlessly unbearable pain, and so far it’s paid off. The next time you eat Doritos, you’ll want to have a drink on hand—you might get thirsty.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22):
Remember SlamBall? Do people play that anymore? My point is, you’re kind of the SlamBall of people. No one particularly cares for you, which is most evident when even your most conspicuous absences go utterly unnoticed. Also, you tend to be insecure.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):
Your creative energy, zest for life, and strength of spirit are at best average. Those who know you well have a respect for you, but it’s pretty much the same basic level of respect they afford to any living thing. The next time you buy Saltines, you’ll realize when you get home that you didn’t get the kind you wanted, but it won’t be a big deal (maybe you accidentally picked up a box of unsalted tops, for example).
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19):
People aren’t quite sure what to make of you, probably because of the admittedly illogical but impossible to ignore associations to the words “unicorn” and “candy corn”, which themselves are controversial entities at best. You will meet a new life partner soon, but it might not be your own life partner.
Sagittarius, Aquarius, and Pisces (Jan 20, et al.):
You often feel neglected, as if people simply lump you into groups so as to avoid having to deal with you on an individual level, perhaps because of some deadline. You might not be a big fan of astrology, and who could blame you? Astrology isn’t a big fan of you. If all goes well, you will soon be terminally ill.