John’s Especially Vague and Pusillanimous Predictions for Super Bowl XLIV

So we already heard from Tim (and, for that matter, from Michael Weinreb) some especially specific predictions for tonight’s game. Well, I’m not that audacious, but I feel compelled to give you my insights for the Super Bowl. As such, here are some predictions:

  • Each team will run a variety of passing and rushing plays.
  • The two teams will not have equal total yardage.
  • Reggie Bush will at one point carry the football.
  • In the first half, a touchdown will be scored in the stadium’s west end zone.
  • At some point during the broadcast, Jim Nantz will ask Phil Simms if he would “go for it here.”
  • At some point during the broadcast, Jim Nantz will describe Peyton Manning as “a quarterback.”
  • At some point during the broadcast, the two coaches will be shown simultaneously via split-screen.
  • At least one field goal or extra point will be kicked.
  • Some of the commercials will be good and some will be disappointing.
  • Once, someone with whom you are watching the game will bring up how odd it is that a Pierre plays a significant role for both teams. This person will either know a lot about football or nothing about football.
  • The Who’s status as rock legends will be neither tarnished nor enhanced by the halftime performance.
  • The Manning family’s connection to the Saints will be broached quite a few times.
  • The MVP award will go to a player on the winning team.
  • At various points during the game, “Super Bowl,” “Colts,” “Saints,” “commercials,” and probably at least one player will all be trending topics on Twitter.
  • The crowd will, at various times, cheer, boo, and groan.
  • The winning team will have fun.
  • Somebody will have a seven-yard rush in the second quarter.
  • The winning team will score between 10 and 70 points.
  • The losing team will score between 6 and 50 points.
  • The game will end.

And one slightly adventurous one:

  • The game will not be exciting. Why not? Well, for starters, because we can’t have three exciting Super Bowls in a row; it’d be too weird. Do you realize there are 6-year-old kids who can barely remember the last time a Super Bowl was boring? Also, people expect this game to be good, and the Super Bowls that people expect to be close (Bucs/Raiders, Giants/Ravens) usually turn out to be blowouts; the best Super Bowls are games where the favorite lays at least seven points (Pats/Giants, Pats/Panthers, Rams/Pats, Steelers/Cardinals, Rams/Titans). The Colts will score first, and the Saints will never tie or take the lead after that. Final score: Colts 34, Saints 20.

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