A Belated and Ignorant NBA Season Preview!

The NBA season started like two weeks ago, but that didn’t stop Tim from boldly predicting records for all 29 30 teams. As you can probably figure out, what’s occurred during the season’s first fortnight had little to no impact on his prognostications.

30. Minnesota dumped Ramon Sessions and his four-year, $16 million contract in order to sign Luke Ridnour to a four-year, $16 million contract. This is confusing because Luke Ridnour plays the same position as Ramon Sessions and isn’t any better…Timberwolves 18-64.

29. Toss Up: What’s higher: Toronto losses or Jose Bautista home runs?…Raptors 20-62.

28. A prominent Russian hasn’t been tortured this much since they sent Dostoevsky to Siberia. Too soon?…Nets 22-60.

27. How long until John Wall and Alex Ovechkin start hanging out?…Wizards 23-59.

26. It’s nice to be sure that Doug Collins will be back to help out TNT and Reggie Miller come playoff time…76ers 25-57.

25. Charlie Villanueva will enjoy vindication decades from now, when Kevin Garnett is inflicted with cancer…Pistons 27-55.

24. Provided Carl Landy is able to break up the fistfights between Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins over who John Calipari loved more…Kings 28-54.

23. Steph Curry’s not his brother; he can’t save Golden State…Warriors 30-52.

22. What should they do? Maybe Dan Gilbert should just disappear. And hey, they’re not Detroit!…Cavaliers 30-52.

21.Do you remember when there were only 29 teams in the NBA? Yeah, I call those the glory days …Bobcats 35-47.

20. I’m not saying New Orleans’ new head coach is a nobody; I’m just saying nobody knows who New Orleans’ new head coach is…Hornets 39-43.

19. Oh crap, you mean Rudy Gay only played hard to get all that money?…Grizzlies 42-40

18. Baron Davis will care until he realizes that not enough people care about how much he’s caring…Clippers 43-39.

17. It would probably be callous of me to call the Carmelo Anthony situation a “cancer” for Denver…Nuggets 45-37.

16. Following the season, Donnie Walsh will step aside and Isiah will take over; this is not a joke…Knicks 36-46, swept in first round by Miami.

15. Mike Dunleavy and Josh McRoberts, in each starting for a playoff team, will finally end that BS “Duke doesn’t produce pros” talk…Pacers 36-46, swept in first round by Orlando.

14. The Highlight Factory!…Hawks 45-37, lose in five in first round to Boston.

13. Instead of calling Brandon Jennings, Corey Maggette, and Andrew Bogut “The Big Three,” I propose we call them “The Three Best Friends That Anyone Could Have”…Bucks 46-36, lose in seven in first round to Chicago.

12. Things that last longer than Yao Ming’s minutes per night: Grade school recess, hands of poker, staring contests, awkward silences, premature ejaculations, the novelty of mocking Yao Ming’s minutes limit…Rockets 47-35, swept in first round by Los Angeles.

11. They’ll start off slow, but once Al Jefferson gets used to the racial epithets from the crowd, Utah will be fine…Jazz 48-34, lose in six in first round to Oklahoma City.

10. This Steve Nash/Goran Dragic point-guard controversy is going to get UGLY…Suns 48-34, lose in six in first round to Portland.

9. Why do I get the feeling that we’re like another boring year away from reading the same “Billy Beane just watches soccer all day” stories about Mark Cuban?…Mavericks 50-32, lose in seven in first round to San Antonio.

8. Mark my words: Within 12 months, Joakim Noah will be the winner of the Ben Wallace/Josh Howard “We talked so much about him being underrated that now he’s way overrated” award …Bulls 47-35, swept in second round by Miami.

7. Merely the West’s better version of the Hawks. They’ll make the playoffs, maybe win a series, but not seriously contend for the foreseeable future…Spurs 52-30, lose in five in second round to Los Angeles.

6. Much like Houston, the Blazers will employ a nightly minutes limit for Greg Oden once he returns to prevent further injury. The max? Three a night…Trail Blazers 53-29, lose in seven in second round to Oklahoma City.

5. Merely the East’s better version of the West’s better version of the Hawks …Magic 57-25, lose in six in second round to Boston.

4. Just like last year, I’m picking them to lose to the Heat…Celtics 56-26, lose in five in conference finals to Miami.

3. Is it cynical of me to think all this “Kevin Durant loves his teammates and it’s just like college” stuff is cute for now but doomed not to last? Baby turtles and alligators grow up…Thunder 56-26, lose in seven in conference finals to Los Angeles.

2. Down one without the ball in the final seconds of Game 6, LeBron will bravely turn to his teammates and, showing true leadership, tell them, “Nah, let’s not foul. This game’s over.”…Heat 68-14, lose in six in Finals to Los Angeles.

1. Out of postseason facial hair ideas, Phil Jackson will cop Brian Wilson’s beard, and Ron Artest will coax Craig Sager into unwittingly saying something so incendiary on air that he’ll be fired by TNT and promptly hired by Fox News. Artest will also fulfill his lifelong goal of winning the Nobel Peace Prize during the season…Lakers 58-24, win NBA Finals.

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One response to this post.

  1. […] Perhaps the simplest way to say it is that we love sports villains because without villains, there would be no heroes, and yet no heroics were required to beat the Heat last night. This series had plenty of heroics, but as the games got more crucial, Miami put up less and less of a fight. The Mavericks’ first win required a shocking fourth-quarter comeback; by the end of their last win, Miami wasn’t even fouling (a classic LeBron move that Tim predicted back in the preseason). […]

    Reply

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