Archive for December 3rd, 2010

Survivor Survival Guide: “You Started, You’re Finishing”

“I’ve been sucking it up for 28 days. There’s nothing left for me to suck.”

—Purple Kelly

“Realistically, you think you had a shot at this game?”

“Yes.”

“Based on what?”

“Based on my drive, once upon a time…”

“This is amazing. Regale me with a story, woman.”

—Probst and NaOnka

How am I supposed to feel about Wednesday night’s Survivor? On the one hand, we finally saw NaOnka have her torch “snuffed” out, and in about as selfish a way possible. On the other, we saw TWO castaways quit within the final nine in an unprecedented show of wimpiness that drew about as much of the show’s editorial ire as possible. This is to say, it was complicated, like watching Boise State lose to Nevada or LeBron James return to Cleveland.*

*What? That WASN’T complicated for Cavaliers’ fans?

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The Drawing Board: Phrases

We’ve all grown sick and tired of the dime-a-dozen axioms, idioms, and platitudes that pepper our language. It’s high time someone took them back to the drawing board. (It’s me—I’m going to take them back to the drawing board.)

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. This one doesn’t even make any sense. Away from what? Also, is this even empirically testable? I tried it once and got sick of it on the first day. Apples blow.

Jake’s suggestion: If you’re hurt real bad, and you need a doctor, for God’s sake put down the apple  because what if it’s true?

A bird in a hand is worth two in a bush. Try telling that to the head bird keeper of Scripps Aviary at the San Diego Zoo. I went down there last weekend, figured I’d make a few extra bucks. Brought in a one-eyed pigeon I’d plucked from a sewer and tried to trade it in for a couple of rare gold-breasted starlings they had. No dice. Turns out, she tells me, that saying only applies when they’re the same type of bird. Well, I went back the next day with a blue-naped mousebird, but she wouldn’t give me a two-for-one. That right there explains a lot about that aviary.

Jake’s suggestion: A bird in a hand is likely to transmit one of many communicable diseases. Continue reading