The Drawing Board: Abortion

Oh, great. Another MAN weighing in on abortion. Well, ladies, if you don’t like it, exercise your “right to choose” to not read it. But as it turns out, this man has the answer. And no, it’s not one of those stupid joke answers like “dude we shouldn’t make abortion legal, we should make it mandatory hahahaha!” That’s dumb, the population would run out. What I will offer instead are a few points of clarification from the legal and moral perspectives, points that will cause you not to reconsider your stance on abortion, but rather to reconsider whether abortion is even a real issue. Sounds interesting, huh? Remember this whole thing is a joke though.

First, let’s evaluate the claim that a fetus has a right to life. Ridiculous. But let’s grant for a second that the fetus is a human being, which, come on, that’s like saying a baby chicken is the same as a real chicken. Regardless, let’s give them that and consider the right to life from a legal perspective. Now, abortion isn’t a pleasant issue, and this could get ugly, so you might not be well suited to this if you have a weak constitution (looking at you, France!). That was a funny joke, huh? But it also segues into me talking about the actual United States Constitution. In one part it says, no kidding:

“I think your first column should be a pro/con list of whose life you would save out of John [S], Josh and Tim if you could only save one of them. And the winner should not be John [S]. That guy sucks.”
–Elizabeth (Jefferson City, MO)
First of all, thank you, Elizabeth, for sparing me the agony of deciding Pierre’s fate. I can only hope he is as grateful for his exclusion. Secondly, I can only assume that in listing three of my fellow staffers, you were also testing my claim that I pay attention to the presence or absence of the Oxford comma. I hope this settles the question once and for all.  

Your incisive question is really an echo of a broader inquiry that continues to confound the minds of the American pubescent. What you really want to know is: “Who would you save, who would you marry, and who would you burn?” Now before we go any further, Elizabeth, I ought to tell you that it really should be “whom.” But the spirit of the question survives, and you’ll be happy to see your request obliged as well. I would definitely not save John S, as he would be the one I’d marry. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be happy about it, because the tax implications are severe and plus, John’s not really the type to go for a pre-nup, which is something I’d really want. But I can’t marry Tim because he’s Catholic, and I can’t marry Josh because my parents think he’s black. You’d think that would be easy enough to clear up, but remember both my parents are blind. And highly skeptical. They’re not even fully convinced that they’re blind. So now we’re left with figuring out who to save between Tim and Josh. But see again, you can’t save Tim because he’s Catholic—he’s already saved. It’s like in football when a quarterback tries to throw to a receiver who already has the ball, and he just keeps flailing around trying to throw it, but guess what, guy? Those are just pump fakes! So I’d save Josh and let Tim burn. It’d be cool though, because Tim would be all happy on his way to heaven, and boy, I bet all that red hair would be somethin’ else!

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Your typical fetus has not been “born or naturalized” in the United States. As such, it has no claim to the protections offered by the government. Also, it resides outside the jurisdiction of the United States government, even though it’s technically inside something that the United States governs. So fetuses and Indian reservations aren’t as different as you might think.

Whoa, whoa, wait: Does that mean a fetus can commit any crime and the US can’t do anything about it? You bet your ass it does. Even murder? Especially murder, since that’s the only real thing a fetus can do. Maybe that and “inside her” trading, LOL! But seriously, fetuses commit murder all the time. Ever heard of chimerism? If you don’t think that’s the perfect crime, well, don’t hold your breath waiting for the DA to go after Tyler Hamilton for it. So that takes care of that—the courts may say what they want, but the founding fathers swept this one under the constitutional rug a long time ago. But before you go thinking you can murder any fetus, remember it has to be an unborn fetus, so no partial-birth abortions. Once that thing is out of there, put down the gun.

I said something about morals, too, didn’t I? Oh right, that I would talk about the moral issues involved. Well, the thing is, if you think murder is wrong, then abortion would definitely be wrong. If you think murder is right, then I don’t see what the big deal is, but are you sure murder is right? I mean, granted, sometimes it could be right, but what about things like abortion?

Let me just say that in China, abortion isn’t really a hotly contested issue, because in China they suppress the birth rate of pro-choice women using…guess what?? You guessed it: oppressive sedition laws. Did you think I was going to say abortion? If you did you’re dumb, but if you didn’t you’re even dumber. Read it again—wasn’t it a pretty obvious lead-in? But I don’t really blame you because it’s true that aborting baby women helps suppress the issue. It’s not that all women are pro-choice, it’s just that if there weren’t many women around, men would never talk about it. Live and let live, we would say, except don’t let that baby live, I’m not trying to be a dad right now.

But in the United States we didn’t kill off the issue before it could be born, no—we conceived the question of abortion, incubated it, and let it slither out of the grisly birth canal that is the public conscience. Why? Because in this country, when we go to a party, we don’t want it to be a total sausage fest, plus everyone knows pro-choice chicks are easy.

Speaking of a total sausage fest, let’s not forget that abortion can affect all of us. Like what if two gay dudes pay a lady to have a baby for them? Then does she have a right to choose? Maybe, but they can take her to civil court and clean her out—of her money, I mean, not of the developing fetus. At least I assume they can. Oh, but dude what happens if the gay guys change their mind and don’t want the kid? Never mind, they already paid the lady so it’s cool.

See, when you stop and think about it, it’s not that hard to figure out.

Want to see me sidestep your question? Write me at, and join me next time as I reinvent another wheel, but make it better somehow. Maybe it rolls more? I don’t know, I need some time to think.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Wey on December 10, 2010 at 5:53 PM


    -Brian “The Apprentice” Valentyn


  2. Posted by incedype on March 11, 2011 at 4:11 AM

    Hello, I new yours frient on this forum)


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