What is everybody’s problem with this lady? I’m not saying I like her, but she’s kinda hot so I definitely don’t hate her. I mean, hey, if she’s been living in Alaska, no wonder we have global warming because she is hot! (Hot things raise the ambient temperature, which is symptomatic of global warming, if you follow me.) Now all you girls reading this, don’t give me that “Oh my God, ew, Sarah Palin is not hot!” First of all, I said kinda hot. Second of all, relative to her position in life, yes, Sarah Palin is quite hot and probably hotter than you’ll be at that age. Do you really want to take that wager? Because I will follow through on it and call you out in front of your FIVE kids. Okay then, shut up about me calling her “kinda hot”.*
*This point is purely academic as there are no girls who read this column.
But what’s honestly so bad about Sarah Palin? John McCain is way worse than her, and you almost made him your president, America! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that Joe Biden was elected vice-president and I wish nothing but continued success for The Onion. But Sarah Palin would be a f*cking adorable vice president. Can you imagine? There’s like a press conference or something and she comes out carrying a tray of cookies? How cute is that? And I like it that her husband wouldn’t be the president, because if she’s married to the president, then dude, you can’t be fantasizing about her because that’s the President’s wife, with a capital P, and the Secret Service will lock you up if you even joke about raping her. But Sarah Palin isn’t that—she’s just married to some guy whose name I’ll never know. Is it Waylon Palin? That would be funny.
In all seriousness, though, Sarah Palin has unfortunately become the perfect example of why women shouldn’t get involved in politics—namely that guys like me will vote for them hoping against astronomical odds that somehow we’ll get to sleep with them. Now, feminists will bring up a weighty counterpoint, which is that this problem wouldn’t exist if all of the candidates were attractive women, because then we would be forced to pay attention to the issues, plus it would be sweet if they were all hot. And that’s one of the reasons I love feminists. Even though you can’t do stuff with them, you can still relate to them. [Ed. Note: Jake has obviously confused “feminists” with “lesbians.”]
Apart from her looks, she’s also quite an accomplished woman. For starters, her daughter Bristol is also viably hot. Well, okay, maybe just viable. But the primary purpose of life is to create viable offspring, so kudos. And Sarah has other kids too, although in fairness it seems like she really fucked up with them. Not that this hasn’t been done before, but let’s do a quick rundown of the other kids, who—come on!—don’t even have their own Wikipedia pages:
Track: Sarah’s oldest child, a boy, presumably named after Sarah’s father’s livelihood (he was a track coach—I’m not joking).
Willow: Sarah’s second oldest daughter, also viable. (She was born in ’94, so it’s not that messed up.)* Probably the type of chick who says she suffered from anorexia in middle school, but she’s always been naturally thin and just says that to get attention, and if you really looked into it you’d find that there was never any formal diagnosis. God, I hate meeting girls like that! Oh, really? You’re telling me a guy tried to slip something into your drink at a party when you were a freshman? Did you turn him in to the cops? No??? Oh, well then you’re obviously MAKING SHIT UP to make yourself sound desirable, or you now have to live with the guilt of letting an attempted rapist go unpunished. No I will not buy you a drink, now get the hell out of my sight.
Piper: This might actually be their dog, I’m not sure.
Trig: the youngest and smartest of the Palins, Trig’s curse of a first name is counterbalanced by a sweet set of other names, which, if he were to drop “Trig”, would render him Paxson Van Palin, which might be the coolest name ever. If Paxson Van Palin doesn’t conjure up visions of a weird, ethereal fusion of the Red Scare, G. Gordon Liddy, and Shaft, I don’t know what possibly could.
The point is, Sarah Palin is a pretty cool lady. She’s attractive in a way that’s both hot and picturesque, she’s got a family, which I guess is really kind of a wash, and she once killed a moose with her bare hands. So next time Sarah Palin runs for something, maybe think about voting for her. Or at the very least not voting for a guy.