Why aren’t there more corn dogs? It’s a question scientists have been neglecting for years. It’s well known that we have an ample supply of corn, and you can make hot dogs out of just about anything, so what’s the hold up? I mean, sure, I’m not making any corn dogs, but then again I’m not the one complaining.
The history of corn dogs is a brief and uninteresting one. Basically, in around 1927, a guy invented them. How? Well, obviously he took a hot dog and figured out how to put corn around it. Then he got a little ahead of himself and tried it with other stuff:
“I have discovered that articles of food such, for instance, as wieners, boiled ham, hard boiled eggs, cheese, sliced peaches, pineapples, bananas and like fruit, and cherries, dates, figs, strawberries, etc., when impaled on sticks and dipped in batter, which includes in its ingredients a self rising flour, and then deep fried in a vegetable oil at a temperature of about 390° F., the resultant food product on a stick for a handle is a clean, wholesome and tasty refreshment.”
That’s from Wikipedia, on the corn dog page. It’s a pretty cool page, except it doesn’t explain the dearth, or more precisely the absence of an incredible excess, of corn dogs. And who the hell wants a corn fig? I mean, I get using cheese or dates, but figs? Really?
In economic theory, the concept of supply and demand tells us that even if there’s no demand, you can still have a supply if you want, but you can’t demand something if there’s no supply, otherwise how would you have heard about it? We’ve all heard of corn dogs, and we all demand them, yet grocery stores are filled with things other than corn dogs. To make matters even worse, a recent Harvard study examining the relationship between annual deaths and a lack of health insurance fails to mention corn dogs even once.
Of course, there is National Corndog Day, but they spell “corn dog” as one word, which is only adding to the confusion. Plus they also celebrate too many other things, including (and limited to) basketball, beer, and tater tots. That’s like getting a cake that says “Malcolm X” on MLK day: delicious, yes, but inappropriate on a number of levels (talk about dark chocolate!) But anyway, according to something called Wikipedia, which I believe I mentioned earlier, the number of National Corndog Day parties worldwide dropped 92% from 2008 to 2009. (That’s for real, look it up.) Compare that to the fairly consistent popularity of the similar sounding Groundhog Day, a “holiday” so popular that they even made a movie about it starring Bill Murray, which made no sense whatsoever but did have that one hilarious scene. But who even eats groundhogs? I’d try them, but I bet they’re not as good as corn dogs.
The time has come for us to take a stand. A corn dog stand! I just thought of that haha. But it’s also a figurative stand. No longer can we reject the empty promises of one man only to fall head over heels for those of another (notice what they’re each holding). So write your congressmen, and petition those auto giants like GM to take it a step further and develop some type of corn dog fuel. Most importantly, though, we need to boycott other foods. Let’s start with grapes, okay? No wait, grapes are okay if they’re seedless. So no grapes with seeds, okay?