Parks and Recreation: The 25 Funniest Lines of the First Three Seasons

Earlier this week, I mentioned that one of the two shows I’m most excited to see come back to TV this fall is NBC’s Parks and Recreation. In fact, I was so excited that I decided to compile the 25 funniest moments from the first three seasons. If you like what you see, then tune in for tonight’s season premiere at 8:30. If not, then watch anyway–I left off a lot a of great stuff:

25. (“Galentine’s Day” — Andy and his band practice for a show)

Bandmate: Maybe if you sang it like Louie Armstrong?
Maybe. Yeah. I mean, here’s the thing though: Who is that?

24. (“The Stakeout” — Tom is questioned by a cop)

Tom: Well I just told you my ID, so what’s the crime here? Parking while Indian?
Dave: No, there’s no stereotype about Indians sitting in vehicles.

23. (“Jerry’s Painting” — Chris tries to set Ben up on a date)

Chris: Wooh, sparks are flying! I may have to call the fire department. That’s a government joke.

22. (“Lil’ Sebastian” — Ron confronts Leslie about an office affair)

Ron: How long have you been sleeping with Ben?
Leslie: That’s disgusting. And wrong. I don’t even get– why would– I’ve never had sex with anyone, anywhere. It’s none of your- you have- the nerve, the audacity, Ben is my boss, technically. And he is terrible, face-wise. And how- how- do I know, frankly, that you’re not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you’re trying to throw me off? Hmm check and mate.

21. (“Hunting Trip” — Ron tries to deny the existence of an all-male hunting trip)

Leslie: You’re literally listening to turkey calls.
Ron: Is this not rap?

20. (“The Fight” — Jean-Ralphio comes to Tom for an investment idea)

Jean-Ralphio: This guy has some of the best investment ideas I’ve ever heard in my life
Tom: Make a baby tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. A new brand of bottled water called H2Ho. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub called Eclipse that’s only open for one hour, two times a year. Cover charge? $5000.

19. (“Woman of the Year” — A prestigious women’s award goes to Ron instead of Leslie)

Leslie: 26 certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for her achievements. What do you have, Ron?
Ron: I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf Girl Trophy for excellence in female stuff.

18. (“The Camel” — Tom is moved by abstract art)

Tom: It’s beautiful. I’ve looked at this for five hours now. I like the green one. And the red circle right here. I’m tearing up, man.

17. (“Road Trip” — Leslie tries to excuse herself subtly)

Leslie: I’m gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean?— I’m not buying cocaine. I’m going to the bathroom.

16. (“Telethon” — Ron explains his libertarian philosophy)

Ron: Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself… He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.

15. (“Soulmates” — Leslie asks Tom to rate how interesting he finds certain facts about her on a scale of 1-10)

Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college
Tom: Eight
Leslie: -Where I graduated summa cum laude in History-
Tom: One, zero, negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please!

14. (“Christmas Scandal” — Dave explains why he asked Leslie to move with him as he’s relocated by his Army Reserve unit)

Dave: I don’t know. That’s kind’ve a weird question. I mean, I joined to put myself through college and uh, it’s, I’m just a desk jockey, but it’s rewarding, so uh, yeah, I guess I’m “in love” with the Army. Oh, Leslie? Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. Yeah, I’m definitely in love with Leslie. That’s affirmative.

13. (“Media Blitz” — Andy tells a cop what he’s doing in a van)

Andy: I technically shouldn’t be even driving, because my license is crazy expired.

12. (“Woman of the Year” — A prestigious women’s award goes to Ron instead of Leslie)

Leslie: That’s not really the attitude I’d expect from an award-winner
Ron: Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner, because I’ve won an award.

11. (“The Master Plan” — Leslie gets drunk)

Leslie: You know what’s thirsty? You know what’s weird? How thirsty I get when I’m weird. When I’m drunk.

10. (“The Fight” — Tom invites his colleagues to a business meeting)

Tom: If you don’t make it, then you’re on my Dunzo List.
Ben: What’s a Dunzo List?
Tom: It means you and I? Are Dunzo! Hanging out and getting food together? Dunzo. You wanna come over to my house and play video games? Dunzo. “Hey, Tom, you wanna come play put-put with me?” No, we’re Dunzo.
Andy (to April): Babe, we gotta make that meeting.

9. (“Media Blitz” — Ben has a meltdown on Perd Hapley’s morning show)

Ben: Ah! Look, who hasn’t had gay thoughts? Who?
Perd: Are you OK?
Ben: Yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine. I mean, sometimes I feel like I might need glasses. Is there a bird in here? I swear I keep seeing a bird in the studio.

8. (“Soulmates” — Tom describes his fake nerd profile on a dating site)

Tom: His favorite movie is ‘Books’!

7. (“The Possum” — Andy explains his identity)

Andy: By day: Andy Dwyer, Shoeshinist. By different time of day: Andy, Radical Possum-Tackler. And by night, I do whatever I want: no job.

6. (“Jerry’s Painting” — Ron gives an impromptu speech at a government art show)

Ron: This room has several paintings in it. Some are big; some are small. People did them and they are here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

5. (“Tom’s Divorce” — Tom describes a stripper from The Glitter Factory)

Tom: There’s a girl here who also works at Quizno’s. She’s really nice to me here, but really mean to me at Quizno’s.

4. (“The Bubble” — Ben embarrasses himself in front of Leslie’s mom)

Marlene: Looks like you got some shirt on your coffee.
Ben: Yeah. You know what happened? I spilled it. But, you know how it goes.

3. (“The Flue” — Leslie gets sick before she has to make a big speech)

Leslie: No, I can’t- I can’t go home. I have to get ready for the chamber of secrets.
Ben: Commerce.

2. (“Christmas Scandal” — Leslie has an announcement)

Leslie: And I am proud to announce for the first time ever this year, our tree-lighting ceremony will be simulcast on Internet radio.
Tom: That’s a really big deal.
Leslie: It is, thank you.
Tom: Listening to that tree-lighting’s gonna be dope.

1. (“Indianapolis” — Ron is hungry)

Ron: This isn’t a steak. Why would you call it that on your menu?
Waiter: I don’t know what to tell you, man.
Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have […] Wait, wait. I worry that what you just heard was, “Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.” What I said was, “Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.” Do you understand?

One response to this post.

  1. Posted by ashleyC. on September 22, 2011 at 6:33 PM

    Parks and Recreation=funniest tv show today.


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