NCAA Tournament Preview: Jim Nantz calls your champion!

Filling out a bracket? I’m not 12 anymore.

Trying to predict the bracket? I did that before it was cool.

So how to fill the predictive void created when I watched less college basketball than ever before? Why, by trying to predict what terrible line Jim Nantz is going to use to announce a national champion!

Nantz’s line always becomes a topic of conversation during the championship game, but I’m diving in early. With a detailed knowledge of his punning tendencies and affection for history, I have come up with Nantz’s line in case any of the 64 remaining teams in the NCAA Tournament win their next six games.

You’re welcome.

Louisville: “And they’re off! Peyton Si-vas the light, and Louisville’s Cardinals race to the title in 2013!”

North Carolina A&T: “There’s a new champion on Tobacco Road! Cinderella is an Aggie in 2013!”

Colorado State: “Eu-say-cheese! Larry has championship photos to pose for! The Rams batter their way to the top of the college basketball mountain in 2013!” [“credit” to John S for that horrific pun]

Missouri: “A most im-Pressey-ive run! Missouri has no company this year! The Tigers take it in 2013!”

Saint Louis: “This one’s for Rick! Mitchell is the Kwa-main man as the Billikens Jordair Jett their way to a national championship, 2013!”

New Mexico State: “Atlanta is Sim’s City! Bhullar didn’t take any days off in leading the Aggies to the championship, 2013!”

Oklahoma State: “The Smart-est decision the Cowboys have ever made! Marcus leaves his mark in Stillwater! Oklahoma State, Champions of College Basketball in 2013!”

Oregon: “These Ducks are flying together! Dominic is the Artis-t behind this title picture in 2013!”

Memphis: “Past-ner is the man of the present! Memphis finally has its championship in 2013!”

Saint Mary’s: “The prayers have been answered — Aussie style! The Gaels blow away the competition to ascend to the title, 2013!”

Michigan State: “Tom is oh-so-good! The Magic is back at Michigan State, again, in 2013!”

Valparaiso: “Just like they Drew it up! Bryce and Broekhoff pace this Valpo crusade to a championship, 2013!”

Creighton: “Like father, like son! The Bluejays teach us all how to Dougie in 2013!”

Cincinnati: “They won with The Big O, this time it’s The Big Whoa! Cronin’s Cats shock their way to a title, 2013!”

Duke: “You can’t spell king without K! It’s one for the thumb for Krzyzewski and the Blue Devils, champions again in 2013!”

Albany: “Great doesn’t begin to describe these Danes! New York’s capital is title town tonight in 2013!”

Gonzaga: “Trade the slippers for a crown! Cinderella owns this dance in a way Few saw coming, 2013!”

Southern: “Strike up the band! The Jaguars SWAC their way to the wildest run in Tourney history, 2013!”

Pittsburgh: “From the Pitt, to the penthouse! Beasts of the East, conquerors of the west, the Panthers have won the championship in 2013!”

Wichita State: “The Shockers live up to their name! Early is right on time for Wichita State in 2013!”

Kansas State: “Bruce is the boss tonight! K-state is the king of the dance, 2013!”

LaSalle: “The Explorers have found paradise! Fifty-nine years later, LaSalle ends its amazing journey with a championship in 2013!”

Wisconsin: “Bo knows! The Badgers have clawed their way to the top of the college basketball world! Wisconsin wins, 2013!”

Mississippi: “Marshall’s plan ends in a championship! The ultimate rebel leads Ole Miss all the way in 2013!”

Arizona: “Miller can send this one in himself! The Wildcats are back on top in 2013!”

Belmont: “This Byrd got his Bruins soaring! The toast of Nashville, Belmont takes the title, 2013!”

New Mexico: “One as a player, a second as a coach! One-for-all, all-for-one, and Alford the title! The Lobos are los campeones, 2013!”

Harvard: “For the nerds! The smartest guys in the room are the best on the court! They’ll be celebrating in Cambridge tonight! The Crimson are the cream of the crop in 2013!”

Notre Dame: “Irish eyes are smiling! No luck needed for a team as Cooley as could be! Notre Dame is notre champion in 2013!”

Iowa State: “The Mayor is now a king! Hoiberg and the Cyclones are bringing a banner back to Ames in 2013!”

Ohio State: “You couldn’t Craft a better story! The best when it Matta-d, the Buckeyes can dot the I with a championship trophy, 2013!”

Iona: “I-O-Yes! The Gaels have found gold at the end of this spring rainbow! Iona in 2013!”

Kansas: “You can take a Selfie of this one! KU KOs the competition in 2013!”

Western Kentucky: “The little team that could has topped every hill! Western Kentucky has won the national championship, 2013!”

North Carolina: “There’s a new Dean on Tobacco Road! Williams surpasses Smith, as the Heels upset their way to the championship, 2013!”

Villanova: “The Cardiac Cats have Rollied them again! The Wright stuff means Villanova is the victor in 2013!”

VCU: “The Smart-est man in college basketball has Shaka’d the world again! Havoc is the new order in college basketball, 2013!”

Akron: “From A to Z to Championship! The Zips rule in 2013!”

Michigan: “Hail to the Victors! The Wolverines have made a Beilein through this NCAA Tournament maze, 2013!”

South Dakota State: “Nate the Great! Wolters has wowed his way into the history books! The South Dakota State Jackrabbits have won the national championship, 2013!”

UCLA: “There’s a new wizard in Westwood! Ben Howland forever! Muhammad and the Bruins have found their mecca in 2013!”

Minnesota: “Tubby is back on top! His Gophers are golden indeed in 2013!”

Florida: “Billy the Kid is Billy the King! For the third time in eight years, the Gators reign supreme, 2013!”

Northwestern State: “To hell and back, the Demons have shocked the world! Northwestern State is your national champion, 2013!”

San Diego State: “Fisher has reeled in another stunning championship! It’s an Aztec Empire in 2013!”

Oklahoma: “Sooner or later, dreams do come true! For the first time in school history, Oklahoma is your national champion in 2013!”

Georgetown: “Hoya! Saxa! Champion! Otto brings Georgetown to the port of a national title in 2013.”

Florida Gulf Coast: “These Eagles have flown higher than any Cinderella ever! Tiny Florida Gulf Coast University has won the national championship, 2013!”

Indiana: “There’s a new general in college basketball! The Hoosiers are back atop the college basketball world, 2013!”

James Madison: “Put up your Dukes! James Madison has amended the basketball history books with a record run to the title in 2013!”

NC State: “It was 30 years ago this month that Jim Valvano’s Wolfpack shocked the Houston Cougars. North Carolina State has done it again! Wolfpack, champions of college basketball, 2013!”

Temple: “Wyatt not? The Owls are bringing a title back to the city of brotherly love! Temple is your champion, 2013!”

UNLV: “They have jumped the shark! The Runnin’ Rebels are back at the college basketball’s summit in 2013!”

California: “King Crabbe! Allen is all-in for these truly Golden Bears! It’s a New-ell title for California in 2013!”

Syracuse: “On the 10th anniversary of his first title, Boeheim has another! The ‘Cuse is the king of the dance in 2013!”

Montana: “It’s Wayne’s World! Tinkle’s Grizzlies have rampaged their way to a championship upset as big as Montana, 2013!”

Butler: “Cinderella no more! The third time is the charm for Brad and the Bulldogs! Butler is the master in 2013!”

Bucknell: “Twenty-five years later, it’s Muscala and the Miracles! Bucknell University has shocked the world in 2013!”

Marquette: “You can see what the Buzz is about! A run worthy of Al! Marquette has won the championship, 2013!”

Davidson: “Davidson has slayed every Goliath! The Wildcats are your national champion, 2013!”

Illinois: “At long last, you can make some Illinoise! For the first time, the Illini are the chiefs of college basketball, 2013!”

Colorado: “It’s a stampede! Boyle’s Buffaloes have run over the competition! Colorado takes the crown, 2013!”

Miami: “The Canes can! Larkin and Larranaga have lifted the U to the biggest W in school history! Miami is your national champion, 2013!”

Pacific: “The best retirement gift ever! Thomason walks away with a title! The University of the Pacific has won the national championship, 2013!”

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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Douglas on March 21, 2013 at 2:08 AM

    You’re close but not quite there yet for Butler:

    Butler: We just witnessed a murder here, and true to form it was the Butler, only this time forget about the parlor and the candlestick, this Butler did it right out in the open, with every weapon you could imagine, and so tonight Butler has emerged as the Master, move over Philip Seymour Hoffman, you can even Ask Jeeves who’s also a butler and he’ll tell you “I can’t believe it’s not Butler!” And that’s okay old Jeeves, you don’t have to: because it IS Butler, all the way! The “Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” of the NCAA has truly written its own story “all about how” the life of this little team got twisted upside down, from West Indianapolis born and raised all the way to the seat of the throne, only it isn’t Bel Air anymore, it’s the national championship, which Butler won.

    (Other than that, you’re spot on.)

    Reply

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