Feel free to contact us at NoPunIntendedBlog [at] gmail [dot] com.
The first time we met JOHN, he had the beard of an 1840s gold prospector; our impressions of him have changed little in the ensuing time. John’s physical appearance is now generally kempt, which is perhaps more than can be said for his mental one. He has many strong and occasionally unorthodox opinions (his “practice” of Judaism falls in the latter) about a diverse range of subjects, and he frequently defends them in a logical yet tersely condescending manner. He is more for substance than style; this is one of his few flaws.
Our favorite thing about John is that he knows enough about sports to argue coherently about them; our least favorite thing about John is that he doesn’t know enough about sports to understand the stupidity behind the designated hitter.
JOSH is the kind of free-thinking rationalist that is not beholden to any ideologies and social norms—think a young Larry David. Like Curb Your Enthusiasm, this is both hilarious and awkward. He tends to ask a lot of questions about basic things we do; this is both enlightening and really annoying at times. Josh also happens to be a Jets’ fan, and his take on sports can largely be extrapolated from there.
Our favorite thing about Josh is the way he interacts with waitresses at restaurants; our least favorite thing about Josh is his tendency to knock glasses over as if he were a five-year old with whatever disease Dr. Strangelove had. Incidentally, he does not proclaim allegiance to any führer.
TIM was once perfectly described (by us) as the kind of guy eight-year olds think is really cool. He knows way too much about sports and will watch virtually any sporting event on TV. We, in fact, once caught him watching a WNBA regular-season game. His sense of humor can essentially be boiled down to sarcasm and quoting The Simpsons or Arrested Development, which marks him both as a man of fine taste and great memory. Tim carries himself with an effortless intelligence and aplomb that belie the intense effort and thought that go into being as mainstream and all-American as he actually is.
Our favorite thing about Tim is his seamless integration of his personality and writing-style; our least favorite thing about Tim is his faux-arrogance, which is actually just a cover for sincere arrogance.
PIERRE MENARD, author of Don Quixote, stands apart from the rest of us in two key ways. First, he will write on one topic and one topic alone: sports rules. His goal is to revolutionize the way we think about sports and how they are played in modern times. “My undertaking is not essentially difficult,” Pierre once told us. “I would only have to be immortal in order to carry it out.” Second and more importantly, Pierre Menard is the only one of us who is a fictional character.
Our favorite thing about Pierre is that he justifies seemingly absurd claims with strong philosophical defenses; our least favorite thing about Pierre is that he is French.