Archive for the ‘NPI Exclusive’ Category

Jacob Marley’s Initial Reaction to “Saving” Ebenezer Scrooge

No, I’ve just got one question: What the hell, man? Why him and not me? Why was it all cool for me to proceed uninterrupted into this nightmare of chains, but oh, we can’t bear to let poor old Ebenezer rot in the same way? What has he done to earn redemption that I didn’t do, except live longer and torment more people? Seriously, it was Scrooge & Marley. His name went first! He was the alpha miser! Why does no one else see the hypocrisy in this??? Where were you Ghost of Christmas Past when my salvation hung in the balance? Ghost of Christmas Present, you couldn’t slip by the old Marley homestead eight years ago and say, “Hey Jacob, might want to not carry out that eviction on that orphanage tomorrow. Keep doing stuff like that, and you’ll end up damned eternally, if you know what I mean.” And Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come, you could have shown me an image of this blooming farce and I would’ve altered my worldview real quick. All it would have taken was a bloody hour for each of you! One hour! But no, what was the money a little tight that year, so you cut back—“no saving anyone this year”? Were you down in Whitechapel saving some whore you sanctimonious chokers? No, I’m not done. Am I wrong in wanting a blasted explanation? Am I that off base in wondering why I have to help that miserable magsman when none of you saw fit to throw a little counsel my way?

Go to hell!

Introducing…Jake!

Recently, NPI has begun internal discussions about taking on additional staff. It’s not that John, Josh, Tim, and Pierre can’t handle the workload, but recently NPI’s revenues have gotten so excessive that we literally don’t know what to do with it all. We decided to put some of our more indigent friends and relatives on payroll, but it turns out that–according to the IRS–sometimes we have to publish them if they’re on payroll. Rather than risk tarnishing the overall quality of NPI, though, we subjected them all to a rigorous interview process. The only survivor was Jake, whose interview is included here:

An NPI Artist Rendering of Our Newest Contributor

What are your qualifications? In other words, who do you think you are?

A small bit of personal background: while this disclosure will almost certainly fuel the accusations of rampant nepotism at NPI, I attended college at the college of Duke, more accurately known as Duke University. In my free time I majored in English, delightedly consuming and artfully abusing what is indisputably the greatest language in the world. I am the defiant answer to Vampire Weekend’s insolent query: “Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?”

Professionally, I’m a humorist whose style was once described simply as “abstract” by a very terse observer. I like to think I’m at least 19 times as funny as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but I write for a much narrower audience. Like most journalists, I can’t be taken seriously, but unlike most journalists I consider this my top selling point. Continue reading

Gino Torretta Forfeits Heisman, Citing “Poor Football Skills”

CORAL GABLES — 1992 Heisman Trophy winner Gino Torretta held a surprise press conference on Wednesday in Coral Gables to announce that he would follow Reggie Bush’s lead in forfeiting his Heisman Trophy.

“This is, obviously, one of the toughest decisions of my life,” Torretta said while holding back tears. “But in light of the courage that Reggie showed, really adhering to the guidelines of who deserves the Heisman — and deserves is really the word that got me — I just thought I honestly wasn’t a good enough football player at any level to conscionably retain this trophy.”

Torretta then cited his 1992 statistics from a sheet of paper, seemingly expressing incredulity that anyone of his low caliber could win college football’s most prestigious award.

“I know we were a good team and all, but 19 touchdowns to seven interceptions? That’s less than a three-to-one ratio! Kellen Moore’s was 13-to-1 last year, and that dude didn’t even place!”

Indeed, after throwing 39 touchdowns and just three interceptions in 2009, Boise State’s Moore finished seventh. Torretta himself beat out San Diego State’s Marshall Faulk in 1992, a year in which Faulk ran for over 1600 yards and scored 15 touchdowns for the Aztecs. Continue reading

Open Letter to Fans from Raptors Majority Owner

Dear Toronto and All Toronto Raptors Fans, Regardless of Your Present Location;

As you may have heard, our former “hero” Chris Bosh went to Miami after a prolonged, egotistical campaign played out mainly through his let’s-be-honest boring Twitter account.

I want you to know that I, like you, am not in any way devastated by this decision. In fact, I’m not even mad. I’m pretty cool with how it all went down.

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE TORONTO RAPTORS WILL NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS WITHOUT CHRIS, JUST AS WE DIDN’T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IN FIVE OF THE SEVEN SEASONS WITH CHRIS!

Furthermore, I’m very confident that our newest first-round pick, Ed Davis, can fill Chris’s shoes, since, like Chris, Ed was unable to lead his team to the NCAA Tournament.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day.

SERIOUSLY!

Your owner,

Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, Ltd.

Deborah Solomon Interviews NPI

QUESTIONS FOR NO PUN INTENDED

Discourse on Culture

By DEBORAH SOLOMON

Why “No Pun Intended”? It was a phrase we liked. Plus we could see “NPI” on a shirt.

Isn’t that an embarrassing way of coming up with a name? Shouldn’t the title of your blog stand for some deeper philosophical meaning, or raison d’etre? Well, we don’t intend puns, if that’s what you’re looking for.

It’s not. I read your first post. Don’t you think it’s a little immodest to use the same opening lines as the Bible? Or are you trying to be that big? We think it’s unfair for the Bible to claim monopoly over prepositional phrases.

And what is “humorous and intellectual discourse on culture”? Aren’t those just a bunch of buzz words strung together as a pretense of a mission and a cover-all for “We’re writing whatever the hell we want”? That’s perceptive of you.

Thank you. Is it perceptive if I say I don’t find your blog to be humorous or intellectual, or even all that discursive on culture? No, not really.

Well, I don’t. That’s too bad. Continue reading

What Lane Kiffin Wishes He Said

New USC head football coach Lane Kiffin has taken a lot of abuse over his departure from Tennessee. In an NPI exclusive, Kiffin told us he was really torn up about the criticism, and that he wishes he could have done the noble thing and told the Trojans’ brass the following (verbatim):

Look, I’m honored, USC. You guys gave me my first legit job in football, and it’s on the strength of my work with you that I was hired not only for the Raiders’ job but also at Tennessee (because, I mean, who would hire me based on what happened in Oakland? Did you SEE that professionally presented Powerpoint? Or what Art Shell did before me and Tom Cable after me? Al Davis was right: I was the disgrace.). It’s here that I should apologize for my woeful lack of credentials; I was pretty surprised you’re even considering me after I went 5-15 with the Raiders and 7-6 at Tennessee. It’s not like I’ve proven I can recruit or anything, and I certainly don’t have the sparkling resume Pete Carroll brought in here, particularly on the college level. I know that most 34-year-olds have accomplished more than me, and quite frankly, you probably shouldn’t have even offered me the job.

I know that Southern California is one of the few schools that has a better football tradition than Tennessee. You guys have won several national titles, even in the last decade, and you’ve got like a boatload of Heisman winners, not to mention the Song Girls. Plus, you’re in Los Angeles, which I know from experience is even nicer than Knoxville, which is so nice I even named my son after it. I even know that you’re gonna offer me more money in this better location to have a better job. That’s really cool of you.

But here’s the thing: I like gave my word. Continue reading