Archive for the ‘Vignettes’ Category

Thanatopsis

“All that live / Will share thy destiny.”[i]

*

I guess…I guess it’s because it doesn’t look that much like her. Because, and beyond the surgery, I mean, everyone is saying she looks great. And maybe it’s because I haven’t seen her in a few weeks, but she looks kind of like hell. I can’t imagine what she looked like 72 hours ago, back when she was still alive.

I guess that’s why it hasn’t really hit me yet. I guess that’s why, as I’m kneeling here before her sessile body, garbed in the same navy blue dress she wore to her daughter’s wedding 22 months ago and which is now about a size and half too big, that I’m having trouble fully conceptualizing that this is Aunt Pat, and that she is dead.

I usually close my eyes here, or look down at my hands, or look straight ahead at the underside of the open casket. I don’t like looking at the body, usually. But this time, I can, and it doesn’t seem to be a problem. Except that its not being a problem is kind of a problem, because I’m wondering why exactly I’m not having the same kind of response I usually do in this situation, which is to cry at least a little, regardless of who that person is. I’ve teared up when it was a great aunt I had never met before, and that was six months ago.

So why not now?

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Happy Presidents’ Day!

: you know what bothers me?

: womens basketball coaches’ inability to properly discern when to foul in the final minute of a close game?

: besides that

: the fact that president’s day is one holiday instead of being two like it should be?

: YES

kind of

not quite

but close

: not at all

: it’s related to today’s holiday

and grammar

: ?

: you made the mistake yourself…

: im not guessing

: its presidents’ day

not president’s day

we shortchange the multitude of presidents Continue reading

New Year’s Eve

: any ideas?

: i just want to have fun

: stop

: i just want to have fun

: i get it

: all i want, is to have fun

: you done? happy?

: this is fun

: im sure it is

so im guessing you have no ideas

: i have no ideas

aside from the having fun part

: ok, i think i have one

: really?

: i think we should see the black swan

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In Search of Lost Toaster Ovens

toaster ovenBack when I was an impressionable college freshman, the faculty-in-residence who lived three doors down from my suite left a toaster oven outside her door. Now, at the time, I was a simple-minded and perhaps naïve 18-year-old suburbanite who had been raised on a toaster and with the idea that a toaster oven was needlessly decadent. We have a toaster, we have an oven; why combine them into one appliance that doesn’t perform either of those tasks better?

Thus it was with confusion and, in the end, indifference that I met my roommate’s excitement about the prospect of claiming the toaster oven—old and dirty and clearly bound for the garbage—in our room. As college freshmen, we possessed neither a toaster nor an oven, and Seth (this roommate’s name was Seth*) proudly detailed all the glorious meals a toaster oven would add to our lives. I was skeptical and, like I said, indifferent.

*Although, to be honest, it may have been the other roommate.

And I remained so even when Seth’s attempt to haul the toaster oven the 15 feet back to our room was interrupted by the RA, citing the prohibition of all toasting apparatuses in freshman dorm rooms. This was a surprising occurrence for several reasons:

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