What we read while maintaining NPI’s AAA credit rating…
- The most common specialty for blind mathematicians? Geometry.
Sometimes something can seem both inevitable and impossible. Like the first successful moon landing, or the election of America’s first black president, thus is the feeling when news broke yesterday that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag had broken up.
On the one hand, anyone who watched The Hills or did merely a cursory overview of tabloid coverage of this relationship had to know just how dysfunctional it was. Spencer tore Heidi away from her best friend, from her sister, from her parents, from her career, etc. Basically, describing Spencer as “controlling” is a drastic understatement.
And yet the two seemed to have a symbiotic hold on each other. Whereas the annoying habit of using portmanteau names to refer to celebrity relationships—Brangelina, Bennifer, etc.—is usually just another way that modern culture shits on the English language, with Speidi it seemed like an appropriate illustration of just how inseparable they were in the public eye. Neither of them would have been significantly famous without the other. Spencer was notorious for his manipulative, God-like hold over his wife, and Heidi was infamous for her docile acceptance of what seemingly everyone else in the world recognized as nefarious manipulation by her husband. Continue reading
The appeal of The Hills has always been its delicate balance of a few very key contradictions: the show is “real life” but quite obviously staged, these characters are on a very successful and invasive TV show that they can never explicitly acknowledge, the people on the show constantly talk about how much is going on in their lives while nothing actually happens on the show, and they all have to lead very dramatic lives while simultaneously professing a deep aversion to said “drama.”
The introduction of Kristin Cavallari, though, threatens to throw this symbiosis all out of whack.
In last night’s season premiere (called “It’s On, Bitch,” except MTV didn’t punctuate it, so it read as if something was on top of “bitch”), Kristin was treated as if her reputation preceded her like Winston Wolf, except instead of solving problems, she steals boyfriends. And in short order she starts pursuing Audrina’s ex, Justin Bobby.
Except Kristin’s reputation is repeated so often by so many characters that they sound as if they were reading MTV Production Notes (particularly Stephanie, who says both “This is the girl that’s going to stab us all in the back!” and “How is it possible that one girl can turn all of our lives upside down?”). Also, the only reason Kristin is pursuing Justin, as she more or less admits, is to cause drama and upset Audrina, which A) violates the rule that all characters must profess a “no drama” ethos; and B) highlights how forced Kristin’s inclusion is. She’s not actually friends with anyone on the show, as both she and Lo make clear at various points during the episode, which makes any interaction she has with the rest of the cast seem manipulated and contrived (even more so than usual). Continue reading