Dear Retail Clerks,
I am fine. I am always fine when you ask. How are you? I never care how you are. I don’t need your help right now. Does anyone ever require your assistance this quickly? I know to ask if I do need your help. You’re not that difficult to find. I am aware of your sales. If they are not the reason I am here, I can see them advertised–often ostentatiously–throughout your store. Please don’t follow up with me. I can find everything okay. Your store is neither that large nor complexly laid out. If I require a fitting room, I will find it on my own, and then I will consult with your colleague who is relegated to that area. I do not want to sign up for your special membership card, even if it’s free and especially if it only takes a minute.
And yes, I want the receipt in the bag. Everyone does.